


the human-shaped emptiness inside

by frostbitten_cheeks



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (except not really), Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 04:07:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3963787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostbitten_cheeks/pseuds/frostbitten_cheeks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>They have the coming out conversation over Skype, four months in. Phil says,</i> I just wanna show you off,<i> and Dan says,</i> you can.<i> They talk about work experience, after, and kind of forget.</i></p><p> </p><p>    <span class="small">(a coming out headcanon - or, to be more accurate, lack thereof.)</span></p>
            </blockquote>





	the human-shaped emptiness inside

**Author's Note:**

> my coming out headcanon - or, to be more accurate, the lack thereof. there are a hundred versions of their potential coming out and none of them fits inside my head. there is a reason for this. 
> 
> also: please excuse the lowercase. i have a capitalized version sitting around waiting for someone to complain, but i have been informed this fits the style better. suspend belief. 
> 
> (link to this fic [on tumblr](http://literaryphan.tumblr.com/post/119020730151/the-human-shaped-emptiness-inside))

  
  


1\. they have the coming out conversation over skype, four months in. phil says,  _i just wanna show you off,_  and dan says,  _you can_. they talk about work experience, after, and kind of forget.  
  
2\. dan doesn’t tell his mum but does tell phil’s, standing barefoot in her kitchen making two cups of tea. she asks while rummaging through drawers and he tells her with shaking fingers against porcelain mugs, finds that it’s not that big of a deal. he doesn’t tell his own mum, but he thinks she already knows.

3\. in the supermarket phil buys too much food for only one person and an elderly woman in aisle three asks. he says,  _my boyfriend’s visiting_ , and pretends it’s not for the first time.

4\. subscribers start asking and go mostly ignored. phil shrugs and dan says,  _it’s none of their business, really_ , and his tongue sticks to roof of his mouth. it sounds more like an excuse when it’s spoken out loud, tastes like sourness and sea-salt.  
  
5\. the summer is a packet of midnight conversations and long texts and ‘ _i miss you’_ s, but it’s also a packet of seldom given kisses and hours-long online games and falling asleep in unfamiliar beds under familiar fingertips. there is rain and there is sadness and there are almost two hundred miles between them. it’s not ideal, but it works.  
  
6\. they have the coming out conversation on the floor in phil’s new flat, a year in. there are no furniture and dan asks,  _thinks we should make an announcement?_  and phil says,  _maybe not right now_. it may not be the best answer, but the thing is he’s not wrong.  
  
7\. phil visits dan’s house, not for the first time and not for the last. dan’s mum disappears too often and talks too rarely, but when she smiles it’s genuine, and phil squeezes dan’s hand and smiles back.   
  
8\. some people know, some don’t. they go to vidcon for the first time and nobody really asks but everyone seems to infer. there’s a party held on the second night and they stand far away, cocktail glasses and shifted looks and tinted smiles at friendly strangers.  
  
9\. dan moves in and when his parents ask on the phone he says,  _it’s practical_ , closes his hand around the handset and hangs up. it’s not a lie but it’s not the entire truth, either, and he knows they know but for some reason knowing and confirming exist on separate planets inside his head.  
  
10\. when phil said  _not right now_  he didn’t mean this, they both know. but maybe it’s too late or maybe it’s still not the right time and either way, they don’t.  
  
11\. on the balcony, phil sits with unhinged knees gathered together and a crook to his mouth that’s threatening to fall thirteen floors down. dan stays standing, his toes pressing against the small of phil’s back, and phil closes his eyes, breathes, doesn’t turn around.    
  
12\. subscribers stop asking and start assuming, and go far less ignored. dan smiles acrimoniously too often, talks too quickly and too tightly and hopes the cracks aren’t visible in the big picture. phil stays behind the cracks and says nothing.   
  
13\. they don’t have the coming out conversation two years in. some questions don’t need to be asked for the answer to be screamed back. they have sex in phil’s bed and dan says, _i’m not going to sleep yet_ , falls asleep in his own, and there is nothing wrong with this but in the grand scheme of things, there is.

14\. one time, dan leans in for a kiss and gets turned away. the sharpness echoes in his chest for days. 

15\. rock bottom is called this way because from here, you can only go up. phil lets his touches linger and dan doesn’t let his words sting as often, and maybe this is recovery.

16\. maybe. 

17\. they have sex in phil’s bed and dan says,  _i’m not going to sleep yet_ , and phil murmurs into pillows,  _okay but come back_. dan hovers at the side of the bed and pauses, considers, nods. there is nothing very good about this but in the grand scheme of things, there is.

18\. some things get better because they’ve an effort put into them. more people know than those who don’t but  _people_ never means  _them_ , the ones behind the screens. there is a difference between the two that no one voices, but maybe the only people who matter are the ones who are there.

19\. there is more laughter than tears. they welcome this with bright smiles and work hard to remember that some days, tears are welcome as well.

20\. dan’s mum gives him a bundle of socks for christmas, a second bundle for phil. she rubs her hands inside her gloves and doesn’t look directly at him when she says,  _you boys stay warm, alright?_ , and maybe this is her way to say  _i know_. he always knew she knows, but maybe this is something else. 

21\. they have the coming out conversation on the sofa in the lounge, four years in. phil says,  _should we?_  and dan says,  _maybe_. it’s not a yes but it’s not a no anymore, either.  

22\. they work out a system for the post-it notes on the office walls, scrawled and hasty and illegible at times. dan slaves on a colour scheme for the upcoming gaming-channel related ones until four in the morning while phil stands over his shoulder, kisses his hair, brings him coffee.

23\. some things get better not because they’ve an effort put into them but because time passes. it’s a bitter fact but it’s true. time doesn’t heal all wounds, but some wounds heal themselves with time. dan stops smiling when it’s fake and phil stops swallowing words when it’s not needed. they’re not perfect, but they try. it’s more than nothing.

24\.  subscribers don’t stop asking and don’t stop assuming, but they do go almost entirely ignored. this isn’t a solution but it’s the path there, stones and scraped knees and the destination in the horizon.

25\. louise is slightly too drunk and slightly too hazy and introduces them to her dentist friend as  _the only couple here i’d trust with vodka_ , bursts into giggles. she doesn’t notice anything’s wrong and after a moment passes, neither do they.

26\. in japan, neither mimei nor duncan asks. there are two beds in their hotel room and when phil falls in love with three swans, duncan offhandedly mentions they could adopt it and put it in the unused bed. phil gets too excited at the prospect, and no one bothers with corrections. 

27\. they have the coming out conversation in the real estate office, six years in. phil signs the forms while dan rocks on his heels and wonders,  _would that be best_ , and phil looks up over his shoulder, says,  _nah_. they smile, and maybe that’s enough.

28\. they buy a house together, with a porch swing and a modern design and a lawn in the back for phil’s gardening needs. they still vlog from two separate bedrooms but the backdrops change, and someone somewhere on the internet discovers what happened, and a lot of shit goes down. people keep expecting them to say something, except – they don’t.

29\. in the in-between, the articles say  _bachelors purchase house together_  and  _two youtube stars and one home_. one reporter is brave enough to say  _youtubers confirm relationship_ – all of them go ignored. 

30\. they never say  _this is my boyfriend_ , but they stop saying  _this is my friend_ , as well.

31\. they go to vidcon, not for the first time. there’s a party held on the second night and about fifteen too many vlogging cameras in every angle. they clink together cocktail glasses and kiss in corners and don’t bother checking if anyone’s filming, and in the end no one catches up but that’s not really the point.

32\. dan’s mum gets the invite through the post, calls and says nothing for a few long moments. eventually she says,  _i’d like to be sat next to uncle tom_ , and dan laughs too loudly, inhales something that feels like relief. she doesn’t say she knew all along and he doesn’t say he’s sorry. 

33\. an incongruous collection of youtubers and friends and family from several continents fly to london for a weekend. there are a dozen vlogs of formal dresses and flower arrangements and cake, but no one has any proof. the hashtag  _#phanwedding_  trends worldwide for nine hours but no attendee uses it and slowly, it fades away.

34\. they have the coming out conversation in the spare bedroom, nine years in. they both have rings on their fingers and the camera’s rolling and it’s less of a conversation than an agreement. phil asks,  _so we leave it be?_  and dan says,  _yeah._  he fiddles with the focus and then they’re off. 

35\. subscribers stop asking in the end, because there’s nothing to say. some days dan tweets about married life and sometimes phil says  _our kids_  but there aren’t really any names, and the truth is all out there except technically, it isn’t. twenty years in someone will say,  _you know, you’ve never actually made it official_ , and dan will bite back a grin as phil will stare at the camera blankly and say,  _i have no idea what you’re talking about_. 


End file.
